In Eph. 5:25-26, the Apostle Paul puts forth that the intention of Christ’s love for his bride, the church, was her sanctification. Now a husband cannot sanctify his wife, for he lacks the power in himself, but there are a couple main ways that husbands can terribly hinder their wives’ holiness:
1. Allow ongoing sin to be unchecked in his life or his wife’s life.
In this case, a husband either lacks the discernment to identify the sin or lacks the courage to bring it up or lacks the spiritual urgency that sin matters at all. The wife with this kind of husband feels alone, stranded and vulnerable. An additional way to hinder your wife’s holiness is to…
2. Perceive yourself to be the standard of holiness or the source of change for your wife. In this case, you certainly deal with the sin of your wife, but you deal with it self-righteously. Perhaps you always bring instruction with a condemning tone or your discernment is skewed, meaning you think things are sin, which are really grey areas or you unilaterally make rules for the house and enforce them mercilessly. The wife with this husband feels smothered, imprisoned and trapped.
The husband must die to these tendencies, whether it’s fear or spiritual apathy or self-righteousness. Not to do so is saying the sanctification of your wife and your children is inconsequential instead of the main intention of your love.
Again, husbands can certainly influence her in a godly direction, but they lack the power to make her holy, so therefore they must not try to step into the Holy Spirit’s role. How do we do that?—We must view ourselves as instruments, instead of the power source of change, meaning we cannot manufacture true change. Therefore, if we find ourselves getting angry or apathetic when our wives do not respond, we are probably trying to change them in our own strength. Instead, let us love like Christ loves.